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“Did you know there’s a species of cow that has four bladders?”
“Where did you read that?”
“International Bovinarium Magazine. Also, they can hold their breath underwater for three hours, and their flesh tastes like boiled daffodils. It’s true!”
“Whatever, man.”
The Oft-Whizzing Cow-Whale: a true treasure of Mother Nature.
“Hey!” someone shouted from behind her.
Mary turned to look. An elderly gentleman was rubbing his throat confusedly.
“Ow!” cried someone else, rubbing the back of their head.
A hand suddenly covered her eyes; a pen was at her throat. “Gotcha, honey.”
Having a commando for a husband was… exciting?
Welcome to This Country! proclaimed the sign.
“Why does it say ‘This Country,’ Dad?” asked Emma. “I thought we were going to That Country.”
“We were,” said her dad. “And now we’ve arrived. Isn’t This Country so much prettier than There?”
“I thought we just came from Here…”
“We did.”
One shot is all it takes. He is dead.
Her blouse is wet with blood. Her cigarette rests between her swollen lips as she drags him through the dead leaves with a shovel in hand. She doesn’t cry until she drops his limp body in the hole.
His collar jingles.
“Do you drool while you sleep? I know I do!” enthused the man on the television. “Wish you had dryer sheets? I’ve got your secret weapon!
“Our patented combination of butter and mouthwash turns your midnight drool into sweet-smelling, easy-cleaning wax! You can even cook with it later!
“Problem solved!”
All was still in Buckingham Palace. Not even the royal mice were stirring, despite the delicious royal peanut butter that had been slathered on the royal mouse traps to stop them from stealing the Queen’s royal hair ties.
They’re learning, thought the Royal Hair Tie Protector to himself. The fiends.
The ketchup was all gone, and it was nearly midnight. Tembothy knew that if he wanted to fully enjoy his hot dogs and his macaroni, he’d probably have to wait until morning.
Then he remembered that there was a twenty-four-hour corner store down the street!
Sadly, it was sold out.
The Little Steam Engine That Could was a celebrity! But it soon hit puberty, and like so many child stars before it, that completely ruined its career.
Before long, the LSETC was completely broke. It thought it could earn redemption by winning the Great Steam Engine Race, but it couldn’t.
“I posit that the egregious offence committed by the defendant was an act of premeditated hostiliaminity!” shouted the Loopy Lawyer.
“I object!” cried the Batty Barrister. “My client pleads insanity! He thinks he’s a creaky shovel. Look at his fez! This marriage is clearly illegaloramious.”
“Sustained,” said the Jovial Judge.
It was a Thursday.
On Thursdays, Prysanthemum the Pug went to the baths from two to four o’clock. That made for prime adventuring time for his Doghouse, Dot. Glory, honour, excitement, fortune, and renown lay just over the horizon!
But first, Dot had to overcome one minor obstacle: voluntary movement.