Posts from August 2009
The bumbling magician submitted a job listing.
WANTED: Magician’s Assistant to fill recently vacated position. Female in twenties with magical or theatrical background preferred.
Must be punctual, dedicated, and comfortable with provocative outfits, late nights and knife-throwing tricks.
Knowledge of first aid and experience removing stains from satin a plus.
She was a couch lump.
All day, she did nothing but sit and squint blankly at walls, as if trying to see one of those three-dimensional image things with the weird patterns that you have to look cross-eyed at.
After her parents kicked her out, she stared at trees instead.
“What’s our special tonight?”
“Soup.”
“What kind?”
“Borscht.”
“…Is that soup, or stew?”
“It’s soup.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah I’m sure. It’s under ‘Soups’ in the cook book.”
“What cook book?”
“This red one with the gold filigree.”
“That’s not a cook book. That’s an encyclopedia.”
“Oh. Yeah.”
“My bad.”
It was 9:30 AM in the third grade classroom, and Miss Flannerty was nowhere to be seen.
Billy and Bobby and Suzie wondered if she was sick or sleeping or dead.
Then the class telephone rang.
It was Miss Flannerty. “All-day recess!” she said. “And for homework, learn to spell ‘hangover’!”
Popular opinion held that a plant would be the next entity to achieve sentience but, surprisingly, it was a plastic that broke the barrier.
Soon, a rapidly proliferating breed of newly emotional and very apologetic dishes and jugs swept the markets, resulting in a lot of crying over spilled milk.
“We’re off to see the wizard!
The Wonderful Wizard of Schnoz!”
The producer cocks an eyebrow. “Are you serious? Who do you think you are, Mel Brooks? Because only he could get away with such a lazy parody.”
“I’m not Mel Brooks,” says the writer. “My name is Nel Crooks!”
“Want to go out tonight?” Kevin asked.
“I’d rather stay in,” said Jack. “It’s been a rough week. I went to break-up dinners with different girls on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday.”
“I can see how that would be emotionally draining…”
“Emotionally? Heck no. But I’ve gained, like, seven pounds!”
The acorns had a happy, pleasant, relaxing kind of life. They hung from the boughs for days on end, swaying in the wind and not worrying about anything.
Then the squirrels arrived.
They were merciless, brutally slaughtering the acorns’ best specimens in broad daylight!
So the acorns befriended a coconut.
After winning the war, they had to figure out what to do with their free time.
They tried paintball, laser tag, Nerf guns, video games, team sports, martial arts, strip poker, and full-contact chess, but nothing quite filled their need.
They needed a new enemy; they built a space ship.
They showered baby Tabitha with adoration, affection, and kisses (of the Hershey variety), and their efforts were rewarded. She grew ever happier, ever more contented, and ever plumper.
Finally the day came. They placed her in the pot, placed the pot on the stove, and whipped out their cameras.
“Cheese!”