She was the hopscotch champion of the world.
Every nine-year-old girl wanted to be her. Every eight-year-old boy thought she was dumb, which meant they thought she was really cool but couldn’t admit it to their friends. Every chalk company wanted her name on their products.
Her secret?
Real scotch.
Jesse went to school to study Finance.
He did really well in all of the theory classes, but he had some difficulty making real-world applications of his newfound knowledge.
After six years, he graduated.
He calculated that it would only take him twenty-nine years to pay back his student loans.
“So what have we learned today?” said Dan, standing over the aquarium.
“Whatcha doin’?” asked Tara.
“Teaching the fish to speak.”
“Is this some elaborate setup for a pun on how the fish are in ‘school’?”
“No. I’m seriously teaching them.”
“Whatever,” Tara scoffed, leaving.
“Jerk face,” said the fish.
“I found them!” Todd squealed.
“Found what?” mumbled his wife disinterestedly.
“My box of old hockey cards!”
“Oh?”
“They must be worth hundreds of dollars by now!”
“Really!?”
“My dad and I made them when I was a kid and I hid them away in the attic.”
“You… made them?”
Cliven dove head first into a bush.
He heard snuffling nearby, the sound of a predator searching out its prey.
“Dear Lord,” Cliven prayed, “I know my pet dragon started this whole thing, but… Could you stop the zombies from eating my brain? Please?”
The snuffling stopped.
The zombocalypse didn’t.
THE END
“Hi. My name is Jeferee, and I’m a ruleaholic.”
Everyone intoned, “Hi Jeferee.”
“I think it began when my parents named me. I mean, my name actually rhymes with ‘referee’…”
The others nodded sympathetically.
“I’m here to get help.”
“We’ll have you jaywalking again in no time!” said his sponsor.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the Activision-Blizzard Board of Governers, we’ve called you here from your Hawaiian homesteads and your Caribbean estates for a very important meeting. This woman, Andrea Rhinestone, has developed potentially the most lucrative video game franchise concept since The Sims.”
“Three words,” said Andrea. “Hula. Hoop. Hero.”
“Why is there a manatee on the lunch room table.”
“It was the only table big enough to hold it.”
“But why…”
“We’re going to probe it with our new microscopic robots! Think of the benefits to our knowledge of marine mammal anatomy!”
“This science department has jumped the shark.”
This story was based on a prompt I received from @Charles_Mor on Twitter. He provided shark, table, and probe.
It’s Thursday. I hate Thursdays.
Thursdays are when the dames come, sobbing, pleading, and looking for a pro-bono Private Eye.
On Thursdays, I say “know” more often than a philosophy student who just learned about epistemology, but without the “k” and the “w”.
Today, I surprise myself. I say yes.
They found him in his living room.
He was known to drink to excess, but this was different. Everyone knew two things about Bill: he never wasted alcohol, and he kept his newspapers immaculate.
He’d spilled beer all over the paper. That’s how they knew it was a heart attack.
This story was based on a prompt from @davefp via Twitter. I asked for two nouns and a verb, and he supplied paper, heart, and drink.