HARRY DEMAREST: The Bizzaro Fiction Contest

Amusing, Submissions, , , , ,

They wanted stories too grotesque, outlandish, and offensive to be published on FiftyWordStories.com or any mainstream web or print publication.

I selected three stories from my bottom drawer, stories filled with violence, sex, sacrilege, and scatology.

They were all accepted.

I’ll have to change my name and leave town!

Harry Demarest has retired after careers encompassing scientific research, teaching at a university, software development, web application development, and voter database compilation and distribution. He is now spending his time with his grandchildren and writing memoirs and short stories. This is a true story of his experiences submitting to a contest.

JOEY TO: A Flood Of Encouragement

Amusing, Submissions, , , , ,

The skies darkened. Rain pelted. The waters rose. Fast.

Through the opening, Noe saw the screaming masses paddling towards the Ark as it lurched in the foaming surge.

He sighed, but nonetheless searched for encouraging words, then shouted, “God still loves you. Oh, by the way, I told you so.”

Joey reckons many of us haven’t got long to live.

DEBBI ANTEBI: Bad Days

Submissions, Touching, , , ,

It was one of those days. She was late for work, spilled boiling coffee on her iPhone, and got into an argument with a colleague.

Life was horrible.

On her way home, a homeless man approached, panhandling, tears of despair in his sky-blue eyes.

Bad days, she realized, are relative.

Debbi Antebi (@debbisland) exhales oxygen while writing stories. Follow her at debbiantebi.wordpress.com.

PETER LI-PING: Pre- and Post-Nuptial

Submissions, Touching, ,

“It’s just a precaution. In case things turn bad.” I said, waving the document.

“No. Marriage isn’t a business arrangement,” she said.

“Sign it.”

“No!”

I flung the paper. “Okay, let’s dump the whole relationship!”

Eleven years later, no sign of divorce. Maybe one day I’ll admit she was right.

Peter Li-ping lives and works in the Northeast of England. He has a background in philosophy and computing. He hopes that he will eventually get someone (else) to publish his writing. He thanks Tim for being the first (and so far only) publisher to appreciate his stories.

LARRY DARNELL: My Retirement

Amusing, Puns and Wordplay, Submissions, ,

When asked if I am retired I respond:

“Although I draw Social Security, I get up rested in the morning, I enjoy my work through the day, and I become tired.

“Next morning, I’m rested. Though I enjoy my work through the day, I become re-tired.

“That is my retirement.”

Larry Darnell worked as a Manufacturing Engineer, then in sales in different fields. Now he is working on a book titled How I Evolved From A Chicken Into An Eagle, along with various other projects. He doesn’t think of himself as being “retired”; he just has more freedom to choose what he does during the day.

KEVIN MCMANUS: Bedside Manner

Amusing, Submissions, , , ,

My surgeon departs the room.

With a reassuring smile, the anesthesiologist tells me to count down from 100.

98, 97, 96…

Before leaving, he farts loudly. He turns to me with a menacing look.

I close my eyes, pretending not to have heard. My future in his hands, I sleep.

Kevin McManus wrote this story.

 

EMELYN FLORES: Will I See You Again Tomorrow Night?

Artistic, Submissions, , ,

That night, I decided to walk down your street.

You were standing by your doorstep, deciding whether or not you should go inside. I thought of conversing with you, but I couldn’t. I stepped aside and blended in with the bushes. Careful now… You might hear me, might see me.

Emelyn Flores is a Filipina university instructor who is a sucker for coffee.

JIM FREEZE: Making Music

Odd, Submissions, ,

The notes from the moodmakers sing the songs of life in vivid black and white.

A young man of merit leads the intended musical melody. But what is an intention if he can’t sustain it?

Regardless of disharmonies, he is an entertainer’s entertainer: the only interruption he tolerates is applause.

Jim Freeze is 69 years old and retired and has been married to the same woman for 51 years. He started writing in June 2013 just to have something to do.

BOB THURBER: The Mapmaker’s Calligraphist Daughter

Adventure, Submissions, Top Stories, , ,

Between measured strokes and subtle flourishes the mapmaker’s daughter dips her quill, carefully blotting the tip before proceeding.

Each night she obediently transcribes the names of fictitious landmarks—phony towns, nonexistent roads, unreachable waterways—her overprotective father designates along longitudes and latitudes that suitors unwittingly follow to God knows where.

Over the years Bob Thurber’s work has received a long list of awards and appeared in 30 anthologies. His most recent book is a collection of brief stories titled Nothing But Trouble. Visit BobThurber.net.

JOHN H DROMEY: Camera-Shy

Amusing, Puns and Wordplay, Submissions, , , ,

“I’m worried about our youngest daughter,” a concerned parent said.

“Why’s that?”

“I’ve been monitoring Carrie’s online activity. In recent weeks, she’s posted dozens of photos on social media sites, and I’ve noticed she doesn’t appear in a single one of them. I think she’s suffering from low selfie esteem!”

John H. Dromey has had short fiction published in Black Denim Lit #7, Plan B Magazine, Plasma Frequency Magazine, and elsewhere.