Tag Archives: Gary Clifton

GARY CLIFTON: Grounds for Divorce

Amusing, Submissions, , ,

“Sir,” the judge said somberly, “the court hereby grants your wife’s petition for divorce. Do you understand, sir, that I have also awarded her one thousand dollars per month as support?”

“That’s right kindly of you, Judge. Perhaps I can kick in a few bucks myself, from time to time.”

Gary Clifton, forty years a cop, has been shot at, shot, stabbed, lied to and about, and frequently misunderstood. He has short fiction pieces published with over a hundred venues, has published a novel in national paperback, and blogs at bareknucklethoughts.org.

GARY CLIFTON: Leroy

Amusing, Submissions, , , ,

Leroy, the toughest guy in Chunktown, stole a gun and robbed the Central Bank.

“Gimme the money, punk,” he said like on TV.

Leroy fled with the loot up the middle of Main and collided with a bus.

The city paid for the funeral. Leroy ain’t so tough no more.

Gary Clifton, forty years a cop, has over sixty short pieces published or pending with various venues.  He has an M.S. from Abilene Christian University.

GARY CLIFTON: Driver’s Test

Amusing, Submissions, , , ,

“I am recent Russian immigrant. Have not yet learned good English.”

“Well, sir, we can help you with the written part.”

“God bless U.S.A.”

“First you must take the eyesight test,” the instructor pointed to a chart which read: C-X-W-O-C-R-K. “Can you read it?”

“Read it? That is my cousin.”

Gary Clifton, forty years a cop, has over sixty short fiction pieces published or pending with various venues. He has an M.S. from Abilene Christian University.

GARY CLIFTON: Movin’ On

Amusing, Submissions, , , ,

One whiff of the cheap perfume at the door, she went ballistic.

“Gotta smell the same as when you left,” she declared, and chunked me out.

Tried to tell her cops contact odors a car-wash won’t erase. Funny, I was innocent, that time at least.

I moved into my pickup.

Gary Clifton, forty years a cop, has fiction pieces pending with over sixty venues.  Retired, he has an M.S. from Abilene Christian University.

GARY CLIFTON: Plan B

Amusing, Submissions, ,

LeBeef and Rochambeau, walking along the bayou, found two bombs.

“Rochambeau, we’d best take these to the high sheriff,” said LeBeef.

“What if one go off, LeBeef?”

“Rochambeau, sometimes you are so dumb as dirt.”

“What ‘chu mean?”

“Listen fool, one goes off, we don’t tell ’em we found two.”

Gary Clifton, forty years a cop, has over sixty short fiction pieces published or pending with online sites.  He has an M.S. from Abilene Christian University.

GARY CLIFTON: Trial By Jury

Amusing, Submissions, , , ,

“Doctor, how to such certainty can you be so sure the man was dead?”

“His brain was in a jar on a shelf at the morgue.”

“Nonetheless, could he have been alive in any way?”

“It’s possible, counselor, if he is in fact living, he’s practicing law in this courtroom.”

Gary Clifton, forty years a cop, has short fiction pieces published or pending with over 60 online sites.  He has an M.S. from Abilene Christian University.

GARY CLIFTON: Vital Information

Puns and Wordplay, Submissions, , ,

“911, what is your emergency?”

“Screams coming from the house next door. Need police out here quick.”

“Do you know who lives there?”

“No, they just moved in.”

“Do you have an address?”

“No, I’m wearing shorts and a halter top. Is there a dress code for calling the cops?”

Gary Clifton, forty years a cop, has nearly 60 short fiction pieces published or pending with online sites. He has an M.S. from Abilene Christian University.

GARY CLIFTON: Emergency

Amusing, Submissions, , , ,

“Nine-one-one, what’s your emergency?”

“Can’t breathe… Heart pounding… Need an ambulance…”

“Where are you, sir?”

“Payphone, 10th and Grand… Please hurry!”

“Are you injured?”

“No.”

“Do you have health problems? Asthma?”

“No.”

“Has this happened before?”

“No.”

“What were you doing when the breathing problems started?”

“Running from the cops.”

Gary Clifton, forty years a cop, has short fiction pieces published or pending on over 40 online sites.  He has an M.S. from Abilene Christian University.

GARY CLIFTON: Point of Origin

Amusing, Submissions, , ,

An usher discovered Delbert laying across three seats. “Sir, you only get one seat. You gotta move.”

When Delbert only groaned, management called police. “You appear drunk, sir. Your name?” the cop asked.

“Delbert,” he croaked.

“You got ID?”

“Nooo…” Delbert managed.

“Okay wise-guy, where’d you come from?”

“The balcony.”

Gary Clifton, forty years a cop, has an M.S from Abilene Christian University and short fiction pieces published or pending on over thirty online sites.

GARY CLIFTON: Knife Try

Artistic, Submissions, , , ,

Out of cold blackness a hooded guy, kid maybe, waved a switchblade. “Gimme yer money, boy.”

“Got no money.” I dropped the newspaper bag and by dumb luck grappled the knife away. He got cut pretty good and ran off, howling.

I kept the knife and never saw him again.

Gary Clifton, forty years a cop has short fiction pieces published or pending on over twenty online sites.