The bumbling magician bought a larger cage for his fat white rabbit. Its obesity meant it no longer fit inside the magician’s top hat and couldn’t perform.
Only when the magician noticed significant weight loss in his other white rabbit did he realize he was feeding one of them twice.
This is the second in a series of five stories submitted by King Kool.
The bumbling magician submitted a job listing.
WANTED: Magician’s Assistant to fill recently vacated position. Female in twenties with magical or theatrical background preferred.
Must be punctual, dedicated, and comfortable with provocative outfits, late nights and knife-throwing tricks.
Knowledge of first aid and experience removing stains from satin a plus.
This is the first in a series of five stories submitted by King Kool.
She was a couch lump.
All day, she did nothing but sit and squint blankly at walls, as if trying to see one of those three-dimensional image things with the weird patterns that you have to look cross-eyed at.
After her parents kicked her out, she stared at trees instead.
Popular opinion held that a plant would be the next entity to achieve sentience but, surprisingly, it was a plastic that broke the barrier.
Soon, a rapidly proliferating breed of newly emotional and very apologetic dishes and jugs swept the markets, resulting in a lot of crying over spilled milk.
“We’re off to see the wizard!
The Wonderful Wizard of Schnoz!”
The producer cocks an eyebrow. “Are you serious? Who do you think you are, Mel Brooks? Because only he could get away with such a lazy parody.”
“I’m not Mel Brooks,” says the writer. “My name is Nel Crooks!”
“Want to go out tonight?” Kevin asked.
“I’d rather stay in,” said Jack. “It’s been a rough week. I went to break-up dinners with different girls on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday.”
“I can see how that would be emotionally draining…”
“Emotionally? Heck no. But I’ve gained, like, seven pounds!”
The acorns had a happy, pleasant, relaxing kind of life. They hung from the boughs for days on end, swaying in the wind and not worrying about anything.
Then the squirrels arrived.
They were merciless, brutally slaughtering the acorns’ best specimens in broad daylight!
So the acorns befriended a coconut.
After winning the war, they had to figure out what to do with their free time.
They tried paintball, laser tag, Nerf guns, video games, team sports, martial arts, strip poker, and full-contact chess, but nothing quite filled their need.
They needed a new enemy; they built a space ship.
They showered baby Tabitha with adoration, affection, and kisses (of the Hershey variety), and their efforts were rewarded. She grew ever happier, ever more contented, and ever plumper.
Finally the day came. They placed her in the pot, placed the pot on the stove, and whipped out their cameras.
“Cheese!”
She was the hopscotch champion of the world.
Every nine-year-old girl wanted to be her. Every eight-year-old boy thought she was dumb, which meant they thought she was really cool but couldn’t admit it to their friends. Every chalk company wanted her name on their products.
Her secret?
Real scotch.