“Want to go out tonight?” Kevin asked.
“I’d rather stay in,” said Jack. “It’s been a rough week. I went to break-up dinners with different girls on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday.”
“I can see how that would be emotionally draining…”
“Emotionally? Heck no. But I’ve gained, like, seven pounds!”
The acorns had a happy, pleasant, relaxing kind of life. They hung from the boughs for days on end, swaying in the wind and not worrying about anything.
Then the squirrels arrived.
They were merciless, brutally slaughtering the acorns’ best specimens in broad daylight!
So the acorns befriended a coconut.
After winning the war, they had to figure out what to do with their free time.
They tried paintball, laser tag, Nerf guns, video games, team sports, martial arts, strip poker, and full-contact chess, but nothing quite filled their need.
They needed a new enemy; they built a space ship.
They showered baby Tabitha with adoration, affection, and kisses (of the Hershey variety), and their efforts were rewarded. She grew ever happier, ever more contented, and ever plumper.
Finally the day came. They placed her in the pot, placed the pot on the stove, and whipped out their cameras.
“Cheese!”
She was the hopscotch champion of the world.
Every nine-year-old girl wanted to be her. Every eight-year-old boy thought she was dumb, which meant they thought she was really cool but couldn’t admit it to their friends. Every chalk company wanted her name on their products.
Her secret?
Real scotch.
Jesse went to school to study Finance.
He did really well in all of the theory classes, but he had some difficulty making real-world applications of his newfound knowledge.
After six years, he graduated.
He calculated that it would only take him twenty-nine years to pay back his student loans.
“So what have we learned today?” said Dan, standing over the aquarium.
“Whatcha doin’?” asked Tara.
“Teaching the fish to speak.”
“Is this some elaborate setup for a pun on how the fish are in ‘school’?”
“No. I’m seriously teaching them.”
“Whatever,” Tara scoffed, leaving.
“Jerk face,” said the fish.
“I found them!” Todd squealed.
“Found what?” mumbled his wife disinterestedly.
“My box of old hockey cards!”
“Oh?”
“They must be worth hundreds of dollars by now!”
“Really!?”
“My dad and I made them when I was a kid and I hid them away in the attic.”
“You… made them?”
Cliven dove head first into a bush.
He heard snuffling nearby, the sound of a predator searching out its prey.
“Dear Lord,” Cliven prayed, “I know my pet dragon started this whole thing, but… Could you stop the zombies from eating my brain? Please?”
The snuffling stopped.
The zombocalypse didn’t.
THE END
“Hi. My name is Jeferee, and I’m a ruleaholic.”
Everyone intoned, “Hi Jeferee.”
“I think it began when my parents named me. I mean, my name actually rhymes with ‘referee’…”
The others nodded sympathetically.
“I’m here to get help.”
“We’ll have you jaywalking again in no time!” said his sponsor.