Hundreds of billions of galaxies. An unfathomable number of stars and planets. Brilliant astrophysicists explore dark matter, quantum gravity, string theory, general relativity, and the infinite nature of spacetime, but they will never grasp the greatest mystery of all: how, amid this endless universe, I am the center of everything.

J. Hess is a writer from North Carolina who does not understand astrophysics and is definitely not the center of the universe.