There once was a terrifying beast with shaggy hair and pointed teeth.
A pure-hearted village child possessed a magical cup. It always flowed with water, no matter how much you drank from it.
The child gave the cup to the beast, which devoured it.
Now the beast can’t stop peeing.
This story was based on a title provided by @DewMan001.
“Do your chores, young man!” said Mom.
“Do your chores, young lady!” said Mom.
“Do your chores, middle-aged man!” said Mom.
“Do your chores, little baby!” said Mom.
“What about your chores, Mom?” asked Everyone.
“My chore is delegating,” said Mom.
The family called for elections. Mom stuffed the ballot.
He defended himself the only way he knew how: intimidation was his only real weapon.
“Boogidy boo!” he cried, arching his shoulders and spreading his arms to make himself look bigger.
The kitten mewled. It was blind, so it couldn’t see his Intimidation Pose anyways.
But the grizzly bear could.
“You’re my favourite, but she is my most favourite!”
“Now Jeffy, what have I told you about picking favourites?”
“Always be ready to change my mind, and it’s ok to make more than one person think they’re my favourite as long as they don’t both find out?”
“That’s my boy!”
She was surprised by how well her product was selling. She had expected to get support from the feminist crowd, perhaps some attention in the local media, but instead she saw significant, straightforward financial success.
What the creator of Deter-Gent man-repelling laundry soap hadn’t anticipated were all the male purchasers.
Gloria was a performer. She’d known it since the day she’d somersaulted out of the egg and into the fish tank with a brilliant smile and a saucy wink.
Now she performed synchronized swimming routines for the world-famous aquatic circus. With fame came fortune: she dined on caviar most evenings.
She sneezed into her elbow and wrinkled her nose.
“Blurgh, so gross” she said.
She couldn’t know that the contents of her nasal evacuation had contained a microscopic anti-viral agent, which attacked and destroyed a potentially human-eradicating new virus that had begun to grow on her sleeve.
Lucky for us, eh?
Full disclosure: I’m reading a Tom Clancy novel that involves an Ebola outbreak. Yikes!
“Honey, I’ve made a fairly significant purchase,” he told his wife.
“Is it a car?” she asked.
“Is it a house?” she asked.
“Is it a Learjet?” she asked.
“Is it a small South American island nation?” she asked.
“Yes,” he said. “It’s all on our very own Minecraft server!”
As a robot, he was made of technology. He wasn’t really a fan of the stuff: when he wasn’t upgrading his operating system, he was patching his peripherals or flashing his BIOS.
But every now and then he got to update his firmware, and on those days, life was good.
I should have run for office when I had a fighting chance, before the scandals: my son’s arrest and my wife’s affair did me in.
Now it’s four years later and I’m getting crucified by my opponent; somehow she’s the one leading the polls.
My ex-wife hasn’t changed a bit.
Sean Pravica is a journalist and photographer living in southern California.