“Our customer service is our greatest asset!” Rosco explained to the customer.
“That’s sort of a… strange slogan for a toilet paper wholesaler,” the woman suggested hesitantly.
“We don’t wipe your bottoms for you or anything,” Rosco clarified.
She looked relieved.
He added, “But we do offer complimentary instructional videoconferencing!”
“Granny, can I borrow your–”
“Hush, child,” said Granny Gramgrams. “West Fallingdown is on!”
Sonny was forced to construct his denture polisher without reference to actual dentures.
Later tests were… “unsuccessful.” But the polisher’s severe over-spinning counteracted the earth’s ever-worsening irregular orbit, so on the whole, it turned out ok.
Australia, the young man knew,
Held many things for him to do
And proud Brazil, whose flag was green,
Was filled with things that he had seen
He’d studied well the Paris streets
Some day, he said, he’d visit Greece
A wanderer, he called himself
Exploring books upon his shelf
Gazelle raised her royal head. “Having overcome the Lioness, our foe, you will now be granted your reward.”
Rhino nodded graciously. “I thank thee,” he rumbled.
Gazelle signalled Monkey, who draped a necklace of brown jasper around Rhino’s prodigious neck.
Rhino smiled softly. The stones matched his lovely Lioness’s eyes.
I posted some thoughts about the Valentine’s Day contest over at TimSevenhuysen.com, including what I liked about each of the stories that were posted today.
In total, 22 people submitted 29 stories for the contest, and I really enjoyed receiving and reading them all. I hope you’ll all submit more stories in the future, both for other contests and for weekly guest stories.
Also, as a special thank you, if you submitted a story for the contest I’ve emailed you a thank you note which contains a 50% off coupon for the Volume One ebook bundle, so if you use that coupon before February 21, the bundle is under $2!
Rammy won the 2011 Valentine’s Day contest with the following entry:
Of course they look alike; they’re sisters.
Coincidentally, I met them on Valentine’s Day and immediately fell in love, and now they live with me.
It was through a want ad: “New in town. Looking for friends, a litter box, and meow mix.”
I named my kittens Always and Forever.
Rammy Meyerowitz is a Puzzle Person and a Cultural Marginal, as well as a jewish atheist and a secular humanist.
Daniel earned runner up honours in the Valentine’s Day contest with this story:
I am a robot in love with a human.
One day she walked past.
“Level of fine: incalculable.”
She be like, “Oh please, honey, you a robot.”
I said, “Be my Valentine, and I will love you always and forever.”
“I’ll pass.”
I pinched her booty and she left me.
Daniel Watson graduated from Florida State University last April with a degree in English creative writing and philosophy. He now lives in Greenville, South Carolina, where he is a project proposal editor for a corporation called Fluor.
Editor’s Note: For the best experience, try reading this story out loud to someone while doing character voices!
Derek’s story earned second runner up in the 50WS Valentine’s Day contest:
“Do you love me?”
They were young, and she laughed. “Zero. Computers can’t love, silly.”
Eons passed. They were alone, together. As entropy drained the last drops of energy in the universe, he strained to ask the question one last time.
“Do you love me?”
“One. Always and forever.”
Derek Mullanari is a teenager who enjoys writing science fiction.
“Hello, my friend!” twinkled Sir William Glowingsmile. “How are we this fine evening?”
Captain Scowlyface glared at the pompous fancypants so sourly that Glowingsmile turned around and took a swig of mouthwash.
“I see,” Sir William continued. “And your wife?”
Captain Scowlyface frowned so menacingly that Glowingsmile’s toupee fell off.
It was very important to Monika that she raise her children right. She taught them Kindness, and Hospitality, and Manners, and Decency.
But setting a good example wasn’t always enough, so she sometimes snuck a squirt of dish soap into her baking, just in case they’d been using naughty words.
This story was based on a title suggested by @BRSsexyman.