“Tonight we shall incur the esteem of our ancestors!” bellowed King Tawnyfeathers as his eager army growled in anticipation.
But his heart wasn’t in this fight. He wished he were lying in his garden, gazing at the clouds, interred in the earth he had cultivated.
Ah, to be a potato…
This story was based on a title suggestion by Claire Martin via Facebook.
“Aww, where’s mommy?” they teased. “Is baby homesick?”
And she dried her tears and lied to them.
“I’m not homesick,” she shouted, and that wasn’t the lie.
“I don’t care about my mommy,” she protested, and that wasn’t the lie.
“Leave me alone!” she screamed, and that was the lie.
This story was based on a title suggested by Dan Hingston through the Facebook page.
He poked the box. It giggled.
He shook it. It squeaked.
He pushed it across the table. It burped.
He patted the top of it. It whistled.
He shook his head. Why is it making noises? He stared at it.
“You could just open me, you know,” it muttered moodily.
Laura Graham poses as a fourth-year Japanese student, but mostly uses it as an excuse to wander around Edinburgh in four-inch high heels, confusing friends and strangers alike, and letting her creative side out before it’s shackled to a dead-end job when reality bites. She also likes knitting and tea.
Editor: Also, her bio is exactly fifty words long. Hooray!
People have been asking about packaging the ebook bundle with print sales. I didn’t think that would be possible, since Lulu doesn’t let me see any personal details for customers, but @davefp came up with a way to make it work:
If you have purchased Volume One from Lulu and would like an ebook copy, forward your email receipt to Tim@FiftyWordStories.com, with your address, etc., removed, and I’ll send the ebook bundle to that email address.
This offer stands for all past and future print orders. If you’ve already purchased both the print and ebook versions and would like a refund on your ebook, send me an email.
The reason I hadn’t set up any kind of print+ebook bundle before is that I didn’t think it would be possible to verify people’s print purchases, but your Lulu receipt should be identifiable enough to make this work. If this offer gets abused by people trying to grab a free ebook without making a print purchase, I’ll revisit things, but I want to make the offer available, because I think it makes a lot of sense.
Thanks to Dave for the implementation idea, and thanks again to everyone who has bought the book!
“I honestly thought it was a typo,” explained Paul, as he smoothed the rumpled map over the rough planks of the bridge, pointing to the label he had—up until about five minutes ago—assumed to mean “Toll Bridge”.
“Sorry. I can’t read, either,” said the troll, and ate him.
Jeremy Petter is a writer, actor, and editor for LoadingReadyRun, an online sketch comedy troupe with four regular series on The Escapist.
When the doorbell rang, Jeannie was in the shower. Forty-seven seconds, three somersaults, and a double backflip later, she was holding Cobra Pose in the front hallway, her copy of Robertson’s Ultimate Guide to Ninja Home Defense peeking from her bathrobe pocket.
These days, one could never be too careful.
Tally Heilke works with LoadingReadyRun, an online sketch comedy troupe with four regular series on The Escapist, and also maintains a crafting blog and two Etsy stores (Tally’s Treasury and Tally’s Bestiary).
His letter ended: “And so, glorious friend, I hope that my $33 Million will be safe with you. Awaiting your reply.”
He pressed send.
The Nigerian prince sat back in his chair and sighed. Some day, he hoped, he would find someone with whom to share his vast inheritance.
Some day.
Graham Stark is a co-founder of LoadingReadyRun, an online sketch comedy troupe with four regular series on The Escapist.
We called the dog El Pancho. I never knew why. Maybe it was the weird brown spot on his back. He had two lame legs and always smelled like rotting cheddar, and sat at the flagpole every day after school, but no one ever came.
One day, neither did he.
John Funk is Games Editor at The Escapist, and has been gaming and writing for most of his life thus far. He has far too many plastic robot models on his desk at work and thinks those dirty Horde can go jump off a bridge.
“Hmmm, haven’t been flossing?” questioned the dentist.
I became increasingly more uncomfortable in the chair as she continued looking at my teeth.
“And you didn’t get her flowers for your anniversary?”
How could she know that? How?
“How… how did you know?”
“I’m your dentist,” she said. “I know everything.”
Justin Boyd draws LeftHandedToons, a fantastic webcomic drawn by right-handed artists with their left hands, along with Drew Mokris. LHT updates every weekday, and is the funniest comic drawn left-handed by right-handers on the internet.
Editor’s Note: I didn’t ask, but I’m assuming he wrote this with his left hand, which just makes it that much awesomer.
For those of you who have been waiting to buy Fifty-Word Stories: Volume One directly from the Kindle Store and may have missed the announcement earlier on Twitter, I thought I’d give you a heads up that the book has passed through the publishing phase and is now available.
You can buy it in the US Kindle Store or the UK Kindle Store, or in other countries’ Kindle Stores, as well.