“Our customer service is our greatest asset!” Rosco explained to the customer.
“That’s sort of a… strange slogan for a toilet paper wholesaler,” the woman suggested hesitantly.
“We don’t wipe your bottoms for you or anything,” Rosco clarified.
She looked relieved.
He added, “But we do offer complimentary instructional videoconferencing!”
“Granny, can I borrow your–”
“Hush, child,” said Granny Gramgrams. “West Fallingdown is on!”
Sonny was forced to construct his denture polisher without reference to actual dentures.
Later tests were… “unsuccessful.” But the polisher’s severe over-spinning counteracted the earth’s ever-worsening irregular orbit, so on the whole, it turned out ok.
Gazelle raised her royal head. “Having overcome the Lioness, our foe, you will now be granted your reward.”
Rhino nodded graciously. “I thank thee,” he rumbled.
Gazelle signalled Monkey, who draped a necklace of brown jasper around Rhino’s prodigious neck.
Rhino smiled softly. The stones matched his lovely Lioness’s eyes.
Daniel earned runner up honours in the Valentine’s Day contest with this story:
I am a robot in love with a human.
One day she walked past.
“Level of fine: incalculable.”
She be like, “Oh please, honey, you a robot.”
I said, “Be my Valentine, and I will love you always and forever.”
“I’ll pass.”
I pinched her booty and she left me.
Daniel Watson graduated from Florida State University last April with a degree in English creative writing and philosophy. He now lives in Greenville, South Carolina, where he is a project proposal editor for a corporation called Fluor.
Editor’s Note: For the best experience, try reading this story out loud to someone while doing character voices!
“Hello, my friend!” twinkled Sir William Glowingsmile. “How are we this fine evening?”
Captain Scowlyface glared at the pompous fancypants so sourly that Glowingsmile turned around and took a swig of mouthwash.
“I see,” Sir William continued. “And your wife?”
Captain Scowlyface frowned so menacingly that Glowingsmile’s toupee fell off.
It was very important to Monika that she raise her children right. She taught them Kindness, and Hospitality, and Manners, and Decency.
But setting a good example wasn’t always enough, so she sometimes snuck a squirt of dish soap into her baking, just in case they’d been using naughty words.
This story was based on a title suggested by @BRSsexyman.
He poked the box. It giggled.
He shook it. It squeaked.
He pushed it across the table. It burped.
He patted the top of it. It whistled.
He shook his head. Why is it making noises? He stared at it.
“You could just open me, you know,” it muttered moodily.
Laura Graham poses as a fourth-year Japanese student, but mostly uses it as an excuse to wander around Edinburgh in four-inch high heels, confusing friends and strangers alike, and letting her creative side out before it’s shackled to a dead-end job when reality bites. She also likes knitting and tea.
Editor: Also, her bio is exactly fifty words long. Hooray!
“I honestly thought it was a typo,” explained Paul, as he smoothed the rumpled map over the rough planks of the bridge, pointing to the label he had—up until about five minutes ago—assumed to mean “Toll Bridge”.
“Sorry. I can’t read, either,” said the troll, and ate him.
Jeremy Petter is a writer, actor, and editor for LoadingReadyRun, an online sketch comedy troupe with four regular series on The Escapist.
When the doorbell rang, Jeannie was in the shower. Forty-seven seconds, three somersaults, and a double backflip later, she was holding Cobra Pose in the front hallway, her copy of Robertson’s Ultimate Guide to Ninja Home Defense peeking from her bathrobe pocket.
These days, one could never be too careful.
Tally Heilke works with LoadingReadyRun, an online sketch comedy troupe with four regular series on The Escapist, and also maintains a crafting blog and two Etsy stores (Tally’s Treasury and Tally’s Bestiary).
His letter ended: “And so, glorious friend, I hope that my $33 Million will be safe with you. Awaiting your reply.”
He pressed send.
The Nigerian prince sat back in his chair and sighed. Some day, he hoped, he would find someone with whom to share his vast inheritance.
Some day.
Graham Stark is a co-founder of LoadingReadyRun, an online sketch comedy troupe with four regular series on The Escapist.