It’s midnight and I still can’t sleep. I imagine lying down beside you, your arms around me. You slowly lull me to sleep, making me smile all the while. But in the end, it’s just an imagination. You’re still ten feet below me, sharing an eternal embrace with your mistress.
Le-an Lai Lacaba is an eighteen-year-old girl from Tacloban City, growing up in between everyone pressuring her to grownup and wanting to be a kid. She fills her blog, Imperfect is Beautiful, with her poems and short stories. Le-an has won multiple essay-writing contests in both local and regional competitions. She is studying for a B.A. in Communication Arts at the University of the Philippines, and struggling to become the writer she dreams of being.
May I offer a couple suggestions?
It’s midnight and I still can’t sleep. I imagine lying down(down really isn’t needed) beside you, your arms around me. You slowly (How about Your xxxxxxx lulls) lull me to sleep, making me smile all the while. (all the while is a bit weak and common and really not needed.) But in the end, it’s just an imagination. You’re still ten feet below me, sharing an eternal embrace with your mistress.
By eliminating these unneeded words, you have more opportunity to use impact words.
Jeff