The doors of the church closed behind me as the congregation quieted for the baptismal service. Shivering, a woman stepped into the water. The pastor plunged her under. She came up shouting. I thought, Finally, a church with some Spirit.
Eyes heavenward, she announced, “That water’s cold!”
I sighed deeply.
Eddie D. Moore travels extensively for work, and he spends much of that time listening to audio books. The rest of the time is spent dreaming of stories to write and he spends the weekends writing them. His stories have been published by Jouth Webzine, The Flash Fiction Press, Every Day Fiction, Theme of Absence, Devolution Z, and Fantasia Divinity Magazine. Find more on his blog.
My friend forwards me your posts and I’d like to get them directly!
I loved it.
Please tell us why.
Logic, frustration and duality, all in just iver a mouthful — well done.
WELL DONE? Frustration? Duality? Logical?
Christian, this type of commenting/feedback is not constructive.
I realise that now. To all your readers, I APOLOGISE. Tim? I think your site is excellent and I save all the stories to reread when I have time.
Thank you for the time and effort and enthusiasm you put into it. I promise you that it does not go unnoticed.
I do wish people would add more… or More people would add to the comments Not comments that can be misunderstood as ‘trolling’…like mine.
…I slink away now and give myself a ‘damn good thrashing’!
Please accept my apologies.
I use 50 Word flash stories to focus my attention for my daily writing routine (…. a totology of terms!). So this is a non-emotional, only intellectual response.
’emersed’ is a better, more eccumenical verb than ‘plunged’.
Reaction to words… ‘inside church (reader’s placement) then …’stepped into water? Reader’s question? What kind of church has a swimming pool inside for baptism? (mixed placement for reader!)
‘shouting’ – Penticostal church? They do outside baptisms (possibly), Baptist churches do, from personal experience.
‘eyes heavenward’ – take it to be a related phrase meant in spiritual terms?
The build-up line to climax: ‘That water is cold’ ok.
Climax line, ‘I sighed deeply’ in response to baptee’s remark/statement.
Reader’s emotion? Frustration/disappointment; resolution of emotional investment? (The reader expects a significant remark but this has little meaning or relevance. I can’t see any symbolic or metaphorical connection or meaning.
Non-emotional response to story: Nothing fits/ a confused and confusing piece.
Reader’s decision: meaningless and disappointing.
Editorial suggestion: REWRITE?RETHINK and chose words more carefully.
….now I am ready to work!
Christian, I’m sorry you didn’t connect with my story. I grew up in a Baptist church and can attest to the accuracy of the story. Yes, sometimes people in a church ‘step into the water.’ It is called a baptistery.
I think it is clear that this story simply falls outside your realm of experience and that is okay. You have the right to not like it. However, trolling the comments of those who did enjoy the story like they personally owe you an apology for bad taste is uncalled for.
I’m SO sorry that you felt my comments were ‘trolling’. I honestly didn’t mean that. I hoped that when I said it was an intellectual idea I had made that clear. Obviously not. I promise you that it was only an exercise on my part to get ready for my own writing. I hoped that having someone look at anothers work and invest time thinking about it would be useful; a compliment even. I was clearly wrong and I sincerely apologise.
Personally, I would love for someone to read my ‘stuff’ and give a proper critique as apposed to, It was good/it was OK…
So, Eddie and to all your readers, I ask your forgiveness and apologise profusely for being a pompous, conceited ijit.
In my defence I would say that I would not have wasted my own time if your work hadn’t been worth it.
Again, I sincerely apologise! Forgive me!
Forgiven. I understand the desire to see more detailed feedback. I don’t think most readers analyze what they’re reading from a literary point of view, they either liked it or they didn’t.
Thanks. True.