I swam frantically towards the abandoned boat, determined to be captain, but a forceful shove from a big-boned assailant thwarted my claim to the tiny, inflatable dinghy.

My dismay dissipated when it capsized, catapulting him into the gaggle of sharp-tongued grannies whose lackadaisical lengths he’d disturbed.

Victory was chlorine flavoured.

Fee Johnstone is a managing editor of a medical journal who favours cats, craft beer, and cheese over most other things.