The little girl skips into the jewelry store, arms flailing. “We’re gonna buy a necklace! We’re gonna buy a bracelet! We’re gonna buy a tiara!”

Her father looks around. “You Break It, You Buy It,” the sign says. He grimaces.

“We’re gonna not touch anything. That’s what we’re gonna do.”

Dustin Petzold is a recent graduate of George Washington University and a resident of Washington DC. He co-founded Crooked Scoreboard, a blog focused on humor and culture in sports. He thinks this bio should be shorter than the story, so he’s ending it now.