There were monkeys on the roof of the Johnsons’ house.
No one in the neighbourhood knew how they’d gotten there, and the Johnsons weren’t responding to complaints, even though the neighbours, quite helpfully, sometimes left big red barrels on their lawn.
In the Johnsons’ basement, the Transmogrifier hummed and buzzed.
Huddled in the muddy trenches, they dodged raindrops and warded off bullets with prayers.
“Man, this is really serious!” one soldier shouted to the other.
“Yeah, he usually writes lighthearted stories! This subject matter doesn’t really lend itself to jokes!”
“He’ll probably do some kind of meta-level cop-out with it!”
It was torturous sensory overload.
All the colours of the rainbow (along with a few nonconformist hues) strobed across a brightly illuminated screen. Dissonant, detuned tones blared and shrieked on powerful speakers.
He’d been told he was disabled, ineffective, useless. But the deaf, blind secret agent knew: ignorance is bliss.
He sprang awake, stifling a scream.
“It was just a dream!” he panted. “I’m not standing in front of the classroom in my underwear!”
“Keith, wake up!” shouted the teacher.
His eyes flew open and he blushed as the class laughed.
That was how Keith discovered his embarrassment-induced, false-awakening narcolepsy.
“Man, the new episode of that cartoon yesterday was phenomenal. There were a lynx and a puma, and they were riding around inside a jaguar…”
“What kind of Jaguar? An XFR? An XKR? An XJ?”
“…No, it was a robotic jaguar.”
“Like a Transformer?”
“I don’t think you’re understanding me.”
Can someone please please please please draw me a sketch of a lynx and a puma riding inside a robotic jaguar? PLEEEEEEAASE!?
This story was based on @gaymerinla‘s response to my request for two mammals and a vehicle.
George and Geoffrey Giraffe, those rascally brothers, were bored one day, so they decided to “borrow” a helicopter.
“We’ll have a whale of a time!” they told each other. “Let’s tie a net to the chopper and dredge up an orca!”
But they’d forgotten that their necks were so long.
This story was based on a call for two mammals and a vehicle. @BlameWizards provided giraffe, whale, and helicopter.
Cats smile because
But mostly, it’s the justifiable superiority complex.
This “story” is based on a title suggested by @Haberley. And for the record, I love cats.
A glowing box with a door poofed into the middle of the world’s first patent office with an electric flash. A haggard man burst out of it.
“Sir, quickly! I’ve come from the past to claim a patent!”
“Certainly,” said the patent officer. “On what?”
“I call it Chewing Gum!”
Gideon was filling in a hole. He was filling it with acid and dirt, but mostly acid.
He hoped a polar bear would fall in and have all its fur burned off, and then he could laugh at the bear for being naked.
His plan didn’t really extend beyond that.
“So are you in?” asked Janice, brandishing a stack of brand new business cards.
“I like your enthusiasm,” said the investor, “but…”
Janice frowned. “But what?”
“I’m not sure the world really needs a Leviathan Tamer.”
He felt differently in the morning, in a sort of slobbery, lifeless, half-digested way.
This story was based on a title suggested by @MisterFiendZero.