My friend, in his early 70’s, was out and about doing errands during the most recent brutal heat wave. Dying from the heat, he stopped at Dunkin’ to get an iced tea. He said to the teenaged server, “It’s going to be 98 today.”
“Oh!” she said brightly. “Happy birthday!”
Edward Mcinnis wrote this story.
Two siblings had been obsessed with the afterlife all their days. When she was diagnosed with terminal cancer, she undertook to contact him from the other side.
After her funeral he received a text from an unknown number.
“Brother,” it said, “I made it!
“But the roaming charges are terrible.”
Bill is living the dream in Aberdeen, Scotland. Unfortunately, he’s not sure whose dream he’s living.
A man walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Is this a joke?” The man replies, “No, it’s purely an imaginary situation because we are currently under strict orders to stay at home as much as possible and practise social distancing in order to prevent the spread of the coronavirus.”
Daniel Rogers hopes everyone is safe and keeping boredom at bay.
“Congratulations! Is it true your bride learned to cook, years ago, at her mama’s knee?”
“Yeah,” Jim said without enthusiasm.
“What’s wrong?”
“Polly’s perfect with shortbread and shortcakes but for everything else she only makes a half recipe. In hindsight, I reckon she ought to have stood on a chair.”
John H. Dromey has a rather short (but complete) story reprinted in the anthology Timeshift: Tales of Time (Shacklebound Books, 2018).
“Sir,” the judge said somberly, “the court hereby grants your wife’s petition for divorce. Do you understand, sir, that I have also awarded her one thousand dollars per month as support?”
“That’s right kindly of you, Judge. Perhaps I can kick in a few bucks myself, from time to time.”
Gary Clifton, forty years a cop, has been shot at, shot, stabbed, lied to and about, and frequently misunderstood. He has short fiction pieces published with over a hundred venues, has published a novel in national paperback, and blogs at bareknucklethoughts.org.
A small airplane roared in, clipping treetops before smashing between two trees on the ninth hole, tearing off both wings. Terrified golfers dialed 9-1-1.
In minutes a fire engine lumbered across the fairway. “What happened?” a firefighter asked the pilot.
“Don’t ask me,” the pilot replied. “I just got here.”
Ronald Linson lives in New York City. He has a number of stories and poems at bewilderingstories.com, and is currently working on a young adult fantasy novel.
One afternoon, a priest, a lawyer, and a dentist walked into a bar.
The priest ordered himself a martini, promptly choked on the olive, and died. The lawyer jumped up, crying, “This isn’t funny!” and bolted from the joke.
The dentist, never one for punchlines, quietly called for another round.
Three men walk into a bar.
“Ow!” cries the first man. He clutches his head and falls to the floor.
“Ugh!” cries the second man, slumping lifelessly to the ground.
“It is done,” says the third man. He passes the bloodied rod to the barman, takes his money, and leaves.
Guy worked in a bar once. This is his sixteenth 50-word story.
Doctor Lorne Calder returned home to meet with Bert Ryan, a carpenter he’d hired to complete renovations at his home. Upon entry, he noticed a flaw in the foyer.
“You’re a master carpenter? Just look at that!” Calder complained.
“It’s easier for you,” replied Ryan. “You bury all your mistakes.”
Paul Finnigan is an Ottawa-based writer who has a collection of short fiction that has appeared in both Canada and the United States. Some previous publishers of his work include Boston Literary Magazine, Feathertale, Polar Expression Publishing, and Every Writer the Magazine.
Four guys walk into a bar.
One orders a glass of Christianity, another takes a shot of Judaism, one requests an Islam cocktail, and another asks for an Atheism on the rocks.
Remembering the brawl that occurred last time, the men decide to pace themselves, and enjoy a wonderful evening.
David Gregory is a marketing pro from Washington D.C. who enjoys humor fiction. He’s currently editing his first novel, and hopes you check out his humor flash fiction website FunnyInFiveHundred.com.