After long days of deposits, withdrawals, and balance inquiries they often felt dirty when they got home, so they liked to race each other to the bathroom to play the “Who Can Get the Cleanest?” game.
She always claimed she had won, but he liked to make her prove it.
Editor’s Note: Did you spot the double pun in the title?
“Our customer service is our greatest asset!” Rosco explained to the customer.
“That’s sort of a… strange slogan for a toilet paper wholesaler,” the woman suggested hesitantly.
“We don’t wipe your bottoms for you or anything,” Rosco clarified.
She looked relieved.
He added, “But we do offer complimentary instructional videoconferencing!”
“Grapplin’ hooks, skeleton keys, guard uniforms… I got everythin’ you need, man.”
“You charge a lot, Skivvy.”
“It ain’t easy to get stuff like this into my cell.”
“True dat.”
“But let me tell you, gettin’ nabbed for murder’s the most profitable thing I ever done. I’m makin’ a killing!”
She was surprised by how well her product was selling. She had expected to get support from the feminist crowd, perhaps some attention in the local media, but instead she saw significant, straightforward financial success.
What the creator of Deter-Gent man-repelling laundry soap hadn’t anticipated were all the male purchasers.
Hamburger Hank took three steps into the restaurant, gasped, spun on his heel, and stormed out.
“What’s wrong?” asked French Fry Felicia.
“They sell chicken as if it’s a hamburger!” cried Hamburger Hank. “It’s a travesty!”
“So what?” asked French Fry Felicia.
“I have a real beef with chicken burgers.”
“Mom, my square-shaped brand-name cereal tastes like O-shaped brand-name cereal!”
“Don’t you mean diamond-shaped, dear?”
“No, Mom. That was just a clever marketing scheme! They’ve been square-shaped all along! And I don’t want them to taste like O-shapes!”
“You should write a letter and deliver it to the Post office!”
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
“Which way is the wind blowing now?” sneered the chimney to the weather vane.
The weather vane just waved left and right a little.
The chimney huffed grumpily. “You cost ten bucks at a hardware store, but you act like you’re made of gold!”
It was the height of vanity.
“Why do they even have planes that drop salt on the runways?”
“Here in Malaska the airports are unattended. The runways get frozen up and there’s no one to de-ice them, so the planes do it themselves before they land.”
“And we’re hijacking one…”
“Yes. We’re assaulting a salting airplane.”
“Welcome to my laboratory!” cried Dr. Frankensteve enthusiastically, throwing open the doors to reveal a chrome-and-plastic jungle of sophisticated technology.
“More like la-bore-atory,” deadpanned his nephew, Eagor.
“Yes, that’s what I said. Laboratory.”
“Right, but if you emphasize the ‘bore’ part…”
“I’m not sure what you’re getting at.”
Charlie the Cow was allergic to leather. He had to stay out of the sun, because if he stood in the sun for too long his skin would get tanned.
…Get it? His skin would gettanned? Like, y’know, it would turn into leather. And he was allergic to leather…