“Did you know there’s a species of cow that has four bladders?”
“Where did you read that?”
“International Bovinarium Magazine. Also, they can hold their breath underwater for three hours, and their flesh tastes like boiled daffodils. It’s true!”
The Oft-Whizzing Cow-Whale: a true treasure of Mother Nature.
“The milkiest. From cows.”
“The cowiest. Fat cows.”
“The fattiest. They eat at McDonald’s.”
“They eat at McDonald’s?”
“The McDonald’siest. But only on weekends.”
“Only on weekends?”
“The weekendiest. They’re the farmer’s days off.”
“The farmer’s days off?”
“His offiest. He usually–”
Claude and Clod watched as the farmer scraped the floors of the barn with the tractor and pushed the manure into a pit.
“He looks sick,” mooed Claude. “Think his milk has gone sour?”
“Don’t try to assign a cow’s traits to a human,” mooed Clod. “That’s just plain foolishness.”
The cow’s tongue was rough and uncomfortably wet as it slapped its way across his face, licking and licking and licking. He was paralyzed with fear, sure it was getting ready to open its mouth wide and take a bite…
And that was how he got the nickname “Salty Face”.
On Wednesday, Ned’s worst nightmare came alive.
He awoke, showered, dressed, and looked out the window, and that was when he saw the Abomination: it was a cow with the head and wings of a crow.
“Nooooo!!” he screamed. “How am I supposed to make a portmanteau out of that!?”
Charlie the Cow was allergic to leather. He had to stay out of the sun, because if he stood in the sun for too long his skin would get tanned.
…Get it? His skin would gettanned? Like, y’know, it would turn into leather. And he was allergic to leather…
Whirring, spinning, and hissing, Cyborg George advanced towards the unimpressed heifer, who stood at the fence chewing her cud.
“This ends NOW!” cried George, cocking the shotgun mounted on his arm. He raised his metallic arm high. “NOW!”
As if on cue, a bolt of lightning burst from the sky.
Cock gun, point gun, pull trigger. Only three simple steps separated George from vengeance. The stupid cow stood and blinked its heavy-lidded eyes, oblivious.
This isn’t difficult, George chided himself. Cock, point, pull.
He couldn’t do it.
It wasn’t his conscience. It was just hard to balance on one leg.
The cow jumped over the moon.
The rabbit, which had a raging teenager-style crush on the cow, tried to follow. Unfortunately, the rabbit overshot its target and jumped over the sun instead.
They both landed in the ocean. Neither one survived. It was horribly depressing.