“One last thing, Officer Markham.”
“Yes, Captain?”
“Look out for youths wearing baggy trousers. That’s the mark of the Hooligans’ Club!”
“Yes, sir!” Markham strode off on patrol.
The Captain chuckled. Rookies were so gullible!
He felt differently later, while processing the paperwork for seventeen wrongful arrests of baggy-trousered teenagers.
This story is based on the title suggested by Nicholas Barlow.
“Halt, dragon!” called the knight.
“Who are you calling a dragon?”
“Oh, pardon me,” said the knight. “You looked like a dragon from behind.”
“How rude! I’m just big-boned!”
“I’m terribly sorry, gentle lizard. How can I make it up to you?”
“Don’t struggle,” said the dragon, and ate him.
“You have a gun? That’s crazy! I don’t want that in here!”
“Relax. It’s perfectly safe.”
“But guns are used for shooting things.”
“Yeah, like bad guys. Or moose.”
“But… Wait, what about bears?”
“Sure, I could shoot those.”
“The fewer bears in the world, the better. Get on it!”
This story is dedicated to Kate, who provided the title that inspired it.
“I’m just a lonely cowpoke,” Billy admitted. “I ain’t no gun-totin’ hero, really.”
“Aw, shucks,” Milly muttered. “I was countin’ on you to save my ranch from Bad Bart!”
“I’m awful sorry, Milly.”
“Don’t be, darlin’. Truth is, I’ve been lyin’, too.”
“Pardon?”
“Y’see, pardner, I actually am Bad Bart!”
Mommy bought me a new pair of shoes. I am not allowed to get them dirty at all. New shoes are extra special, Mommy says.
A mean man stepped in a puddle and splashed my shoes today. I punched his face.
Mommy says faces are even specialer than new shoes.
This story was based on the prompt “new shoes” at TypeTrigger.
A dog fell in a hole. The hole was very deep.
“Help! Help!” cried the dog.
“I will help you,” said a cat. It reached into the hole, but the dog barked and frightened it away.
It never pays to be mean to cute kitties. Kitties are great. Yay kitties!
“And so we have decided to form the Union of General Labourers,” Sarah declared.
“Ha!” scoffed her boss. “What leverage do you think you’ll have? Are you going to threaten a work stoppage? That would hurt you more than it would hurt me! Good luck keeping all those babies in!”
“This is the dumbest thing you’ve ever done.”
“I’m just gonna take a look. Do you hear something?”
“Yeah, your brain dropping out of your head. Come on, let’s call the cops.”
“The cops won’t come in time.”
“For what?”
“To stop me from killing you.”
“Ha, very funny. Wait…”
Wendy Schmidt is a Wisconsin native who has written short stories and poems for the last 10 years. Her poetry and short stories have been published in Strange, Weird and Wonderful, Daily Love, Three Line Poetry, Tainted Tea, Fear and Trembling, and Midwest Literary Magazine.
“Clippity clop” went the horses’ hooves as they pulled the prince’s chariot along the forest path.
“No way!” said Milly.
“What now?” asked Dad.
“Horse hooves only go ‘clippity clop’ on hard surfaces, and what kind of forest has paved paths?”
Richard found it very irksome raising a child prodigy.
“Do you have Polygons for sale?”
“Certainly, sir!”
“Excellent. They’re just what I need to solve my problem. You see, lately it’s felt like part of me is missing…”
“Very strange. And you think new Polygons will help?”
“Probably not, but I hope they’ll at least solve my parrot infestation.”