First Runner Up – DANIEL WATSON: Robot Romance

Amusing, Contest Entries, Submissions, , , , , , , , ,

Daniel earned runner up honours in the Valentine’s Day contest with this story:

I am a robot in love with a human.

One day she walked past.

“Level of fine: incalculable.”

She be like, “Oh please, honey, you a robot.”

I said, “Be my Valentine, and I will love you always and forever.”

“I’ll pass.”

I pinched her booty and she left me.

Daniel Watson graduated from Florida State University last April with a degree in English creative writing and philosophy. He now lives in Greenville, South Carolina, where he is a project proposal editor for a corporation called Fluor.

Editor’s Note: For the best experience, try reading this story out loud to someone while doing character voices!

Second Runner Up – DEREK MULLANARI: Binary Love

Artistic, Contest Entries, Submissions, Touching, , , , , , ,

Derek’s story earned second runner up in the 50WS Valentine’s Day contest:

“Do you love me?”

They were young, and she laughed. “Zero. Computers can’t love, silly.”

Eons passed. They were alone, together. As entropy drained the last drops of energy in the universe, he strained to ask the question one last time.

“Do you love me?”

“One. Always and forever.”

Derek Mullanari is a teenager who enjoys writing science fiction.

High Society

Amusing, Odd, , , , , , , , ,

“Hello, my friend!” twinkled Sir William Glowingsmile. “How are we this fine evening?”

Captain Scowlyface glared at the pompous fancypants so sourly that Glowingsmile turned around and took a swig of mouthwash.

“I see,” Sir William continued. “And your wife?”

Captain Scowlyface frowned so menacingly that Glowingsmile’s toupee fell off.

Lemon Zest Cookies

Amusing, Touching, , , , , ,

It was very important to Monika that she raise her children right. She taught them Kindness, and Hospitality, and Manners, and Decency.

But setting a good example wasn’t always enough, so she sometimes snuck a squirt of dish soap into her baking, just in case they’d been using naughty words.

This story was based on a title suggested by @BRSsexyman.

To Live in Peace, Plant Potatoes, and Dream

Artistic, Odd, , , , , , , , ,

“Tonight we shall incur the esteem of our ancestors!” bellowed King Tawnyfeathers as his eager army growled in anticipation.

But his heart wasn’t in this fight. He wished he were lying in his garden, gazing at the clouds, interred in the earth he had cultivated.

Ah, to be a potato…

This story was based on a title suggestion by Claire Martin via Facebook.

Lie-Baby

Artistic, , , , , , , , , , ,

“Aww, where’s mommy?” they teased. “Is baby homesick?”

And she dried her tears and lied to them.

“I’m not homesick,” she shouted, and that wasn’t the lie.

“I don’t care about my mommy,” she protested, and that wasn’t the lie.

“Leave me alone!” she screamed, and that was the lie.

This story was based on a title suggested by Dan Hingston through the Facebook page.

LAURA GRAHAM: Mystery Box

Amusing, Submissions, , , , , ,

He poked the box. It giggled.

He shook it. It squeaked.

He pushed it across the table. It burped.

He patted the top of it. It whistled.

He shook his head. Why is it making noises? He stared at it.

“You could just open me, you know,” it muttered moodily.

Laura Graham poses as a fourth-year Japanese student, but mostly uses it as an excuse to wander around Edinburgh in four-inch high heels, confusing friends and strangers alike, and letting her creative side out before it’s shackled to a dead-end job when reality bites. She also likes knitting and tea.

Editor: Also, her bio is exactly fifty words long. Hooray!

NEWS: Free Ebook With Print Purchase

News, , , , , , ,

People have been asking about packaging the ebook bundle with print sales. I didn’t think that would be possible, since Lulu doesn’t let me see any personal details for customers, but @davefp came up with a way to make it work:

If you have purchased Volume One from Lulu and would like an ebook copy, forward your email receipt to Tim@FiftyWordStories.com, with your address, etc., removed, and I’ll send the ebook bundle to that email address.

This offer stands for all past and future print orders. If you’ve already purchased both the print and ebook versions and would like a refund on your ebook, send me an email.

The reason I hadn’t set up any kind of print+ebook bundle before is that I didn’t think it would be possible to verify people’s print purchases, but your Lulu receipt should be identifiable enough to make this work. If this offer gets abused by people trying to grab a free ebook without making a print purchase, I’ll revisit things, but I want to make the offer available, because I think it makes a lot of sense.

Thanks to Dave for the implementation idea, and thanks again to everyone who has bought the book!

JEREMY PETTER: Trust Your Cartographer

Amusing, Submissions, , , , , , , , ,

“I honestly thought it was a typo,” explained Paul, as he smoothed the rumpled map over the rough planks of the bridge, pointing to the label he had—up until about five minutes ago—assumed to mean “Toll Bridge”.

“Sorry. I can’t read, either,” said the troll, and ate him.

Jeremy Petter is a writer, actor, and editor for LoadingReadyRun, an online sketch comedy troupe with four regular series on The Escapist.

TALLY HEILKE: Black Belt Housewife

Amusing, Submissions, , , , , , , , ,

When the doorbell rang, Jeannie was in the shower. Forty-seven seconds, three somersaults, and a double backflip later, she was holding Cobra Pose in the front hallway, her copy of Robertson’s Ultimate Guide to Ninja Home Defense peeking from her bathrobe pocket.

These days, one could never be too careful.

Tally Heilke works with LoadingReadyRun, an online sketch comedy troupe with four regular series on The Escapist, and also maintains a crafting blog and two Etsy stores (Tally’s Treasury and Tally’s Bestiary).